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I’ve been watching people and comparing us to the rest of the animal universe and realizing that what separates us is not necessarily knowledge, but rather ego.   For instance, if I sit and watch ants, I see them all working together toward a common goal, whatever that goal is.  I also am aware that I am watching from afar, i.e. it is impossible for me to understand how ants think and what makes them do what they do.  It must be some sort of an inner voice, an all knowing where ants aren’t examining their every move before it is made and wondering whether it is right, wrong, bad, good, should I or shouldn’t I, what will people think, blah blah blah? Or maybe ants do have egos and emotions but I am too far removed to understand or even comprehend them.

I’ve been working on being more like how I perceive ants to behave.  I’d like to be able to spend less time up in my head wondering about what I am doing, how it is affecting others, whether it is the right move, what is my motive, and instead find a way to hear my inner voice.  I was born knowing my purpose in this world.  With each person and experience I’ve encountered, my ego interprets the interaction, decides whether it is bad, good, should be pursued or not, and then my personality changes accordingly.  If I want to know my intended purpose here, I need to be able to unlearn all that has accumulated in my head.  I need to stop worrying about myself and how I will be seen and worry about what I am really supposed to be contributing to this world. I need to not be frightened of exposing myself and just put it out there.  I need to understand that my brain does not know what is right or wrong, but only what it has been conditioned to receive. 

I want to move more like the ants.  I want to understand that I’m not particularly important by myself but I am an important part of the universe with an intended purpose.  Maybe this is how that starts.

It’s been a long time since I sat down to write. For a while I was trying, but everything felt too big, too much. There seemed to be no starting place. Now I’ve pushed it away too long.

A couple days ago I became separated from my dog while walking with a friend. I wasn’t paying attention. My first impulse was to have my friend leave so I could take care of this alone. I was also aware of my thoughts that I should just stop looking for my dog. My head said owning a pet is too hard, I can’t do this. These are old thoughts and patterns from my childhood. Instead of listening, I was able to tell my friend as they were occurring.

As this all was happening, I completely forgot my dog had tags on her with my phone number. Several kind people who saw her on the trails called me. After what felt like a very long time, and a great deal of discomfort on my part, we were reunited.

I am pretty sure that is the point. Being willing to be uncomfortable so that I can grow and change. I allowed myself to trust the friend with me, and allowed the kindness of strangers to assist. I am so aware that my response is so much different than had this occurred at a different time in my life.

These past few months have not been comfortable for so many reasons. That is okay. Life changes. This too shall pass. And I will be stronger for keeping my feet moving in the direction I feel I’m being led. It is all as it should be. I will keep doing my tiny part as best I can being willing to be a bit uncomfortable and then appreciating the synchronicity of the universe when discomfort’s purpose is revealed.

The other day my husband and I were going to his parents’ house to drop off some essentials. He was driving. As we were about to pull out of our driveway, I looked up, saw bicyclists, jumped and said, “Watch out, there are bikes.” He laughed at me and said he had seen them.

As we approached his parents’ street, I had the almost uncontrollable urge to tell him the street was approaching. This time, I was able to catch myself and we had another good laugh at the fact that I felt the need to direct him to his childhood home.

In a Zoom with a few girlfriends the next day, I realized what was going on for me. First of all, I’m not doing well with dates. I can’t believe we are in May, it feels as if it were just March (the longest month ever).

So I missed the two year anniversary of my mother’s death. But my body knew. My body was remembering. And the way my body handles remembering, when I’m not willing/unable/don’t remember to actually feel whatever feelings are occuring, is that my old coping skills take over. For me, this means attempting to control things over which I have none.

I have now taken the time to feel, to let the grief wash over me. To miss my mom, to feel the time passing. And I’m realizing I’m grieving more than just my mom. I am grieving the loss of my routine, the loss of the sense of security I once knew. I am carrying heavy grief for those whose situation is not near as fortunate as the one I find myself. I carry huge empathy for those providing care, food, and essential services, some giving their lives.

For now, the grief has passed. It will return, like an old familiar friend. Maybe next time I’ll be better equipped. For now, I’m doing my best to practice small acts of kindness wherever I can, grateful for my willingness to live this life even when it’s painful.

I’m thinking the Earth is not happy with us people.

What if the Earth was created just perfectly to provide exactly what we need, and not so much of what we want? What if we as a race have been given just the right amount of renewable resources? For instance, instead of using wood to create shelter and warmth, we take the wood and we build huge stores, so that we can go out and purchase things. Do we need these things? Do we take more wood than the forest can replenish? We have created the illusion that these things are necessary to our “good lives’. But are they?

We buy fancy cars so that we can drive around and “go places”. We spend so much time “going places” that we aren’t ever really “here”. In order to make this happen, we are sucking oil from the earth, clearly way more than our share. After just one month’s rest, there is so much they can’t find places to keep it and are literally giving it away. What if we gave it back to the earth and stopped taking so much, so consistently?

We want the best. We want to keep up with the Joneses. Do we think about the effect this has on society as a whole? Nothing is ever good enough, there is always something better, even once we have “it”, we find it still isn’t enough, so we have to go out and chase more, more, more.

Have we taken the gift of life and its existence so far to the extreme that we are destroying ourselves? Can we not wait to selfishly go out there and run full-throttle right back into our old lives?

Of course I cannot answer these questions, but I do believe there is a much larger purpose at work here. I also hope that I am able to make personal change through this experience. I want to retain the simplicity that has become my life. Can I chase less and enjoy more? Can I use only my share?

Only if my share includes hair color.

While this is certainly not how I would have liked to have had huge change take place, the fact is that circumstances have changed. My husband continues to work, I’m alone a lot, which, since I’m an introvert, is just fine with me. What I am finding though is that my thoughts really influence how my days flow.

Some days I am in great fear — what this will bring, how it will end, will my life ever return to normal? Can we survive financially? Will someone I love die? Am I taking enough personal care? Along with this fear comes an all-too-familiar pit in my stomach and an inability to find inner peace or enjoyment. Every action seems difficult.

Other days I am in great faith. On these days, I can feel the Universe at work. I trust the process, I trust the outcome. I am able to stay in the day and realize that nothing bad is happening in just these 24 hours. I can appreciate all the beauty that I have more time to absorb.

I am slowing down. I am consuming less. I am cooking our meals – there is so much less waste. I am sewing masks, catching up on paperwork, working from home, taking long walks with my dog. I am eating better and with more thought. I am exercising. It feels like my actions are taken with intention, rather than moving from one thing to the next, not really being present for any of it.

I miss so many things and Zoom is no substitute for human contact. On the faith days I know this part will not be permanent. I hope, however, that the feeling of fulfillment I receive from living life on simpler terms will not leave me. I hope the Universe can settle into a more peaceful place of being. Somehow, that feels possible, even in all the chaos.

Until last week, I was a server in a restaurant, a career I have been trying out over the past year. I love the people (both the customers and my coworkers) and the fast-paced work. I am desperately missing this part of my life.

Until last week, on mornings I was not at work, I attended a support group meeting at 7:00 am. Now I attend the same meeting via Zoom. This morning, a few women followed up with a private meeting of our own.

Until last week, I would take my dog to the park for a walk most mornings. This morning I was greeted by the Santa Cruz County Sheriff informing us to be careful and stay 6 feet away from anyone.

Until last week, I would go to the gym after walking my dog. This morning, for the first time in several days, I did my treadmill. It felt so good.

Until last week, I was busy doing one thing, then another, then another. Until last week.

I’m doing my best to take it all in, all these changes, and to incorporate a slower pace to my days. I enjoy being able to take a deep breath, to watch and feel nature moving in its own time, unaffected by disease or dis-ease.

I heard someone talking this morning about how even his negative qualities were gifts from God and that it felt selfish to ask for help to remove them. This got me to thinking. I’m not sure I agree with him. I believe I was born with certain traits, but that I am far more a product of my life experience.

I’ve said before that I did not have what one would call a happy childhood., which affected my older brother, me and my younger sister each differently. I did not know until about 5 years ago that my childhood had a huge affect on how I felt about myself. I knew I was not stupid, so the fact that I couldn’t set and meet goals meant I was a failure. Frankly, I reached a point (in high school) where I stopped trying and just kept lowering expectations of myself. It never occurred to me that I might literally not have the skills to set and meet goals, or that I might actually not know how to navigate the world at all. And I’m not saying I now blame my parents, far from it. They were only mirroring the disfunction in which they were raised.

What I am saying is that I have been given a chance to do it differently. I don’t have to keep thinking of myself in such a negative way that I don’t allow myself to experience the richness of life. I don’t want to stop myself from growing. I can’t do this on my own, because it requires me to be very uncomfortable, sometimes for long periods of time, in order to actually change. I require help from the Universe. I believe the gift comes from my ability to change, to ask the Universe for help to move my feet in a different direction even though it can be very difficult, so that old beliefs become smaller and new feelings can creep in.

I had an opportunity this past week to see how far I’ve come. I got to see my life today through someone else’s eyes and I have to say, I was happy with what I saw. My life is so very different today. And I am so grateful to God/the Universe/Great Spirit, whatever it is ( I don’t get to understand it – I just get to rely on it) for the gifts and the changes that today I’m able to see and appreciate.

Every once in a while I realize with deep gratitude and appreciation the life I’ve both been given and worked hard to create. This weekend was one of those. The kids and grandkids were here and we were able to spend good time on Friday and Saturday. On Sunday, we had a gathering here. I had taken enough time to prepare so that (much to all of our surprise) I wasn’t a total lunatic getting ready. My husband’s parents were here and got to spend time with their great-grandchildren. My husband’s employees, including my son, were here enjoying themselves as well. My son’s girlfriend and a few friends made it complete. Watching it all go down felt like a tremendous privilege.

I did not own a home until I was 55 (I’m 57 now). Our house is not fancy by any means, but we now have one. To be honest, I thought that owning a house would “fix me,” and in some ways it has. But, as usual, I turns out the manifestation is so different than my thinking. I think I believed life would be “easier” if I owned a home, that I would be “validated” or maybe I’d finally be worthy.

I remember when I was a child. I did not have what one would describe as a happy childhood. While laying in my bed at night, I would often think about how once I was older, my life would get “easier.” In fact, as I write this, I am realizing that most of my life I have looked to some future point for happiness, which may have been a coping skill that served me well back then, but it’s time to realize the threat no longer exists.

As I watched everyone on Sunday, enjoying themselves at my home, I realized that I was truly happy. Not because we own a home, not even close. But because we have a place of permanence where our friends and family can gather. A place where memories can be created, one day, weekend, season, one moment at a time. I am so grateful for my life and my ability to finally be at a place where things are by no means perfect, but occasionally I’m able to recognize and appreciate perfection in all it’s imperfectness.

I’ve been reflecting on my last post. I’m wondering why I used to do things like not returning clothes to a good friend and just plain lying about it. I’m pretty sure it was a way for me to justify feeling badly about myself, which is really all I knew as a child. My sister and I were talking recently. We shared a room when we were kids. We would be told to clean, and we would call our dad in to inspect once we felt we’d done a good job. I don’t recall ever being told we had done a good job, I just remember the tips of his engineer’s boots pointing to every flaw he found in the carpet. There were many other things that occurred in my childhood that allowed me to come away with the opinion “why try”. When I was a little older, I would be running a 10K and once I realized I wasn’t going to be in the top few, I would just stop and walk. I was much more comfortable being a failure and I now realize I worked pretty hard to make that my story.

I pulled an angel card the other day and it was “Guidance”. The message asked me to meditate, picturing a lush garden on either side of a golden pathway, at the end of which was the sun. The sun was my soul and the true meaning of my life. While I don’t blatantly lie anymore, as I was doing the meditation I became aware that my pathway is always in the shade and the sun is always just out of my reach, or at the end of the path. In fact, at some point I became aware that I felt like if I was truly happy and enjoying my life, then I would die. It would be too much for me, just not the way my life works.

This is a big fat lie. I am fully aware that I am still getting in my way, and that this meditation I was given is the mechanism by which I can choose to work on bringing the light closer to me. I need to believe that I deserve to be happy, and I’m not fully there yet. I do my best today to let go of the outcome and move my feet as productively and honestly as I’m able, which allows me to gradually overcome these childhood learnings. I’m happier than I’ve been in many years and I can tell you that I must be doing more of what the universe wants and less “Kelly”, my life today looks nothing like I ever imagined. In a good way.

My brain is an interesting place. The thing that I just don’t understand is why some days are great, I am filled with energy and can accomplish a huge list of things. Other days, not so much. Yesterday I had one of those kinds of days where I just couldn’t muster the energy to get much of anything done. The sum total of my productivity yesterday was to do one load of wash, but to my credit I washed, dried, folded and put away!

Today I have energy. And I don’t think the variable is how much energy I expended the day before, although sometimes it is. But mostly it’s just my brain, telling me things that aren’t necessarily true.

I remember when I was a young mom in my 20s. It turns out I hadn’t been given the manual on being an adult and really had no clue what I was doing. Sometimes I think that’s how it’s supposed to be, that we don’t learn much until our kids are gone and we could really teach them something. Maybe we are supposed to find our own path. So when I was much younger I borrowed baby clothes from a good friend. I stored them in my attic. She asked for them back and for literally months I totally lied when I showed up for our weekly activity without her baby clothes. Even as I was doing it I had no clue why I couldn’t simply put the clothes in my car but somehow it was easier to lie. Finally one day I actually took the clothes. It took me all of 5 minutes to get them down and into my car. I lost a lot of respect from that women over this silly incident, but it’s such a good marker for me to remember how I used to be.

If I can say I’ve learned anything with age, it is how to do the things I don’t necessarily want to do and have a good attitude while I’m doing them. I know today that the most important thing is moving my feet, not how I’m feeling. My feelings get so big I think I literally can’t move, but that is just not true. And once I’ve made my feet move, things start happening. Life gets easier, self esteem begins when I realize I’m meeting obligations rather than running away.

Today I work hard to not make those kinds of decisions. Today when my body and mind are tired and need a day off, I know that the next day I will take care of things. Sometimes my brain gets confused and thinks when I take a day off that I’m being irresponsible, but that’s no longer the case. Which reminds me, I need to get back to the other two loads of laundry that didn’t get done yesterday…